


Do you know who you are

by JuliaKleewein



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Hot Tub Sex, Larry Stylinson Is Real, Locked-in syndrome, M/M, One Direction Hiatus, One Direction Reunion, Post Traumatic Amnesia, Post-Break Up, Post-Hiatus, Shower Sex, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:08:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28677198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuliaKleewein/pseuds/JuliaKleewein
Summary: Louis and Harry broke up not long after the band went on hiatus. Now in 2021 after they all finished their world tours the band is supposed to come together for one last reunion tour. What will happend when Louis gets into a car accident and wakes up with no memories of One Direction?
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for story
> 
> mature content includes
> 
> smut (maybe some kinks later in story)  
> swearing  
> alcohol abuse  
> maybe selfharm (for this there will be a warning in the chapter itself) 
> 
> This is my first ever story that I am writing so please be patient with me :)
> 
> English is not my first language so there will be mistakes in the story. 
> 
> Since I have never written before the smut will most likely be bad at first. I will try to get better with time when I gain more confidence in my writing. 
> 
> Leave some comments. They are appreciated :) 
> 
> not all chapters will be the same length
> 
> characteres that are not mentioned are most likely not there out of respect.

“Thank you all for coming to the show tonight. I love being here in Doncaster, love the way all of you beautiful people come to my shows and make it possible for me to do what I do. This will we be the last song for tonight and also for this tour. This is Kill My Mind. Sing along.” As soon as he finished his speech the beginning chords to KMM started playing. He knew he needed to end not just this show but this whole tour with a bang, so he gave it his all.

He still can’t believe that after everything the last year brought that he finally managed to go on his tour in 2021. And finish it without having to postpone any more concerts. Louis couldn’t be more grateful. He was so excited to start his tour in 2020 but after Covid-19 hit he knew that the health of all the people was more important. After pushing back the tour to 2021, he felt a little disappointed since he already played his first show in Barcelona, but then couldn’t continue. Then in December of 2020 he postponed the Europe part of his tour which he honestly wasn’t too sad about because he could add more tour dates.

Louis didn’t realise it at first, but after announcing his live show with Veeps it turned out that there were a lot of his fans in smaller countries that would love to see him. So naturally he organized shows in those countries in smaller venues. The feeling of being so close to his fans will always be his favorite. The big venues have their positive sides too, but nothing beats interacting with the fans in the arena and being close to them, more importantly them being close to him.

Now after several months of touring, the last concert has arrived. Louis is currently in Doncaster, it’s the 11th of September and after tonight he will take a long, deserved break with his family here.

“...And I don't know what I'd do without you now,” he sang the last words to Kill My Mind quietly, maybe even with a sad note. “Thank you Doncaster. I will see you on the next tour, with new music. I love you all.” With those words Louis bowed on stage once, straightend back up and turn around with a big smile on this face. He walked down the stairs behind the stage to get to his dressings room. On his way their his crew congratulated him on a succesfull tour. The band and Louis agreed on meeting in his dressing room in a thirty minutes to have a celebratory beer. In the meantime Louis decided to take a quick shower. Usually he hated showers in venues, even more than he hates avocadoes. But today he wanted to enjoy a beer with his band to reminisce on the last few months and then go their seperate ways for their deserve time off.

After his shower he got dresses in simple black sweatpants and a white hoddie, both of those pieces being from his merch line, ironically. He has to admit that his merch is very comfortable and he even choses it over adidas most days, just never in public. Celebrities who wear their own merch kinda weird him out. A knock pulled him out of his thoughts.

“Come in,” he shouted out to his bandmates, who he knew were there. The door opened and the lads came in, wearing the same huge smile like he had. “How are you feeling guys?”

“I think I speak for all of us when I say relieved and sad at the same time. A weird mix to be honest.” Isaac answered truthfully.

“Understandable. But I am right there with you guys. Beer anyone?” he said with a smirk on his face, since he knew the answer already. As expected he got five yeses back. He went over to the fridge, got out 6 beers and handed them out.

“So what are your plans for the break?” Michael asked. A simple question, but he didn’t have an answer. The only plans he has are for doing nothing for a while, but with his family. During tour they sometimes had a chance to come out to see him, but the school year just started again and Dan didn’t want anyone to miss school already. Lottie had come out more often since she was an adult and could make her own decisions. But he hasn’t seen her since July either. All he wanted was to spend some time with them, may it be shopping, homework or even making dinner. “I plan on spending some good time with the family for a few weeks and then going back to London to write some new tunes for the next album. What about you lot?”

“I will be going on vacation asap. I want a beach, cocktail and a good time with my girl.” Zak says and takes a sip of his beer.

“Michael and I will just stay in England, enjoy life I guess.” Isaac shrugged. He cuddled closer to his boyfriend. The two met when they became part of Louis’ band. No one would have thought that they’d end up together, well except for Louis himself. Isaac and Michael didn’t really like each other in the beginning, actually they just didn’t talk. Michael was always so shy, he still is with new people. Isaac is more outgoing but he is chill. After getting to know each other in the band for the rehearsals before tour they discovered that there could be a potential friendship. Needless to say that the friendship evolved in a relationship.

It was not a fast process. Michael was too shy to ask Isaac out and Isaac was scared to freak Michael out with popping that question. The result was dancing around each other for a while until they both wanted to try some new restaurant and decided to go there together. Isaac referred to it as a date in a partly joking, partly serious manner and when Michael agreed with a smile it was a done deal. They are just adorable, Louis thought. Reminded him of him and H... no. He won’t be thinking of him, not tonight.

“I don’t have plans and I don’t intend on making any.” Steve said and Matt agreed with him. “Also I think I am gonna get going, longer drive back home from here and I don’t fancy a hotel on the first night off.” Steve hugged everyone goodbye and wished them well for their plans and was off.

The others sat their talking for another hour about their favorite parts of the tour, favorite places they saw. Matt and Zak left after having 3 beers each in total and desperately needing sleep. Michael was asleep by now in Isaacs arms, but he and Louis kept talking.

“You need to go out and party more Lou.” Isaac suggested.

“We literally just went out three night ago.” Louis protested.

“No Michael and I were having fun like you are supposed to at a club, while you were moping in the corner because I quote “I am too old for this shit.” Isaac countered.

“I am too old for that shit, Why dance in the middle of sweaty, drunk people when I could lay on my couch. Which by the way I deserve. I worked my ass off for this tour, give me a break.” Louis rolled his eyes.

“Louis, you know I love you and I am not trying to tell you what to do but...”

“... But you will do it anways.” Louis interrupted him.

“Course I will.” he smirked,”you need to get yourself out there again. You need to make new friends. And don’t come with the typical ‘I have friends’. Yeah, you do but all of those are or were your bandmates. When did you last talk to Stan? Or made friends outside of the music industry. What you need, is a distraction.”

Louis huffed. “A distraction? Of what exactly?,” he asked without really wanting to hear the answer.

“All you do is music. If you aren’t on stage, you write lyrics and melodies. When you don’t do that you hang out with us, Niall or Liam. Which is fine, we are all your friends, but you never go out. Meet people, potential boyfriends for example.” Isaac just looked at Louis waiting for a reaction of him, while Louis started realising that Isaac was right. But all he could do was roll his eyes, again and empty his beer.

“You know exactly why things are the way they are. Even if you didn’t I don’t have to explain myself to anyone for my actions. I prefer my music over socializing with strangers, that by the way wouldn’t want to do anything with me since I am not out,” he sighed.

“I know that and I know it is none of my business, but why aren’t you? You are managing yourself, you have full control over you image and all prior contracts expired. Nothing is stopping you.” Isaac questioned.

“I don’t have a reason to. Everything is going great with my career and there is no one that I would want to come out for.” Louis shrugged.

“What about yourself? You aren’t supposed to come out for anyone else but yourself in the first place. Your career won’t be affected, you know that. You could be yourself. I mean you would obviously still be you but truer to yourself. “

“If I come out all they are going to ask about is him. I don’t want this to be turned into something that is about him, again. People already speculated about me being the reason for Larry Stylinson to not have come out when we still could have, and they were right. And look were it lead me.”

“To a succesful solo world tour. You know how much you have achieved. You don’t need social media telling you that. Your fans are all you need and you got them. And if you don’t want the topic to be related to Harry, then I hate to tell you this but that will happen. Just try to find a way to deal with that. If you get asked about him, you ignore it, hell ban the questions you know you can. It will only bother you if you let it.” Isaac concluded.  
Louis out his head in his hand and let out a big breath that he didn’t know he was holding. He did not even want to think about Harry tonight, but Isaac is right.

“I hate that you are so smart.’ he mumbled. Louis looked up and met Isaacs eyes. “I will think about it. First I will need to find a way to accept my past and then I will handle my future,” he smiled.

“Good,” he nodded his head ,”I think we will get going now too and you should get home too.” Isaac woke up Michael who mumbled a goodbye as Isaac dragged him out of the room. At the door he turned around. “If you want to talk about it, give me a call,” he winked and left.

Louis sighed and leaned back on the couch. He knows that Isaac has a point. It’s not that he never planned on coming out. In fact if he and Harry never had happened he probably would have come out during the first year of One Direction. Things with Harry just happened to fast, and before they could do anything, Simon basically closed all the doors on their coming out and sealed them. Not only for the time of One Direction’s existence but even years after that. Ever since Simon got wind of what was going on between Harry and Louis, he was against it. They tried to come out multiple times, Louis even leaving multiple hints for a long time, but management shut everything down when they started damage control. Simon even had a talk with Louis, more than once actually. Shivers ran through Louis body as he remembered some moemnts of those talks.

“You need to stop this. We talked about it Louis, and still you keep going on.” Simon said through gritted teeth. Louis was sitting in Simon’s office after he once more tried dropping a suggestions of him and Harry being more than just friends.

“ I- I didn’t say anything,” Louis defended himself. He could see how angry Simon was. But that asnwer did not help the situation at all.

“Didn’t say anything? Are you serious right now?” he asked with a chuckle. “You...That is the problem Louis,” Simon shook his head,” you can’t even deny a simple rumour. When someone asks if Larry Stylinson is real, the answer is a straight NO. I know that must be hard for you, seeing that straight is apparently not a word in your dictionary. But this is what you signed up for.” Louis looked up at Simon. He couldn’t believe that those words just left his mouth.

“B-But Larry is real, we are in a relationship.” he shyly replied.

“I don’t give a shit. You signed up for this,” Simon walk closer to where Louis was sitting,”You made this decision so learn how to live with it and you need to deal with the consequences.” he said while pointing at Louis, who most certainly did not sign up for this. How could Simon say this? His plan was to come out and just because there is another queer person in the band who he happens to be in love with, he suddenly can’t and has to deal with bullshit like this? Louis closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths before he spoke again.

“I signed up for this?” he asked slowly. “I never wanted any of this, I wanted to come out and be myself. You chose to forbid me to do so. How is that my doing?” Louis asked angrily.

“I didn’t tell you to be gay and fall in love with your bandmate now did I?” he smirked. “That was your choice and you made the wrong one.”

“You think I chose to be gay? Simon, you act like it is a crime to be gay. Love is Love. It’s 2012 for fucks sake. No one cares, except you. And under no circumstances will I ever say “No Larry Stylinson is not real. I am straight and Harry Styles is my best friend.” he challenged Simon. Apparently that was the wrong thing to say in this situation because the very next day he signed a contract that said he had to hand over is social media account, have a fake girlfriend and do as Simon say for multiple years.

To this day Louis doesn’t know if he should have just shut up. Maybe then they would be out and proud by now. After all it was Louis’ doing that they couldn’t come out because they were bound by a contract.

Louis sighed and got up from the couch where he has been sitting for another hour. He looked around the room and decided to clean up the mess. He took the beer bottle and threw them in the trash, same thing for all his food leftovers that he still had in here. When he was done he collected all his clothes and threw them in his duffle bag. Louis went to the door and turned around one more time to check that he didn’t forget anything. He opened the door and left his dressing room.

He walked through the aisles of the venue, lost in his thoughts. Talking with Isaac about Harry brought up memories he didn’t want to think about. There were sad and angry memories flashing through his brain, but also the happy moments they shared. He got to his car and before getting in he decided he needed a cigarette. He tried not to think about anyhting while smoking but of course his brain decided to do saltos in the middle of the night. With a sigh he got into his car. All he wanted to do was go home and sleep. Maybe have a drink. Thankfully he only had two beers ans could drive instead if calling for a driver.

On his way home he kept making up scenarios of what could have been. If he didn’t walk back to Simon, they could have left hint after hint without a contract legally binding them, well more Louis, seeing that he was the one who signed. Harry never had to keep his mouth shut, they threatened him yes but legally he could have blurted out that he is gay. Louis frobid him to do so, after one night that Harry said something about him being able to out them and not facing legal charges. Louis went ballistic since his contract also said to keep Harry in line who at this point was only 18 but started to become a little bad boy.

When Louis finally got home he was exhausted. He opened his garage door to park his car inside. He shut off the engine and got out. Inside his house Louis made himself some tea that he took upstairs with him. In his bedroom he threw his duffle bag on the floor and put his tea on the nightstand. Afterwards he walked over to his closet to get some Pyjamas. Eventough he showered at the venue he decided that it might be relaxing to stand under the steamy water for a while. So he did. He took off all his clothes and walked over to the bathroom. The hot water was running over his skin and when he closed his eyes his thoughts went back to some other, better memories with Harry.

Flashes of Harry joining him in the shower went through his brain. Louis pinning Harry against the wall as soon as he got in. With his hands next to Harry’s head, Louis was kissing down the side of his neck, getting the most beautiful sounds out of his boy.

Lous opened his eyes. He was hard. Without thinking what he was doing he grabbed himself, starting to stroke slowly up and down. He closed his eyes again wanting to remember what happened next.

With a quick move Louis turned Harry around, not hesitating to finger him. He didn’t even start with one fingers, but three, knowing that Harry was still stretched enough from the mindblowing sex they just had. Harry was a moaning mess for Louis, who loved it.

“Lou, I need you. Now.” Harry ordered, not even saying please.

“A little needy aren’t we Styles.” Louis sassed back. Now he was going to take his time. No one tells him what to do, a small little please makes the difference here. Harry started rocking back on Louis’ fingers, but he caught on quick and used his other hand to press Harry against the shower wall. He couldn’t really get any friction out of that, which made Harry whine in desperation.

“Louis, I swear to god, if you don’t fuck me right now I will find someone to do it.” And that was too far.  
“The fuck you will, you are mine and mine only. I am and will always be the only one to see you like this.” With the pulled out his fingers and grabbed his cock. Pushing in fast, he immediately started pounding into Harry murmuring mine over and over again.

“Yours, just yours. Please can I touch myself?”

“No,” he moaned,” Keep your hands on the wall over your head.” he ordered. Louis smiled when he saw that Harry immediatley obeyed him. He got faster with his pushes, searching for H’s spot, which he must have found soon enough if his noises where any hint. It only took two more thrusts and Harry was coming all over the shower wall, his hole clenching around Louis’ cock, making him come hard.

When Louis opened his eyes again he saw that he already came. The power that Harry still had over him when it came to his sex life was frustrating. Everytime he had wank, he was reminded of him. Needless to say that the amount of wanks since the break up has gone down immensly.

He finished washing himself, and stepped out of the shower. He looked into the mirror, already regretting what he just did. He can’t let Harry cotnrol him like that, after all he was in total control now. Of everything to be exact.

Louis knew that there was nothing he could have done or said differently to change Simon’s opinion. After all Simon was homophic and a back then 18 year old wouldn’t change this fact. if he hadn’t signed that contract, Harry might have, which leads him to the conclusion that he didn’t do anything wrong. In theory that sounds good, but Louis still didn’t know how to deal with what happened that lead up to their break up. There was only one thing that he knew. He needed to come out. That he could and would most definitely control. Nothing was stopping him except himself. He knew his fans support him no matter what, all important people in his life knew anyways. All he had to do was say the words ‘I am gay’ on live tv or radio and he would be fine. Tommrow, he decided, tomorrow he will call some radio station or Tv show host to tell the world who he actually is. Then he can start healing. Louis thought it would be a good idea to come out shortly before he would spend weeks with his family, where no paparazzi would be and ask him questions. That way the public could talk about the newest topic of Louis Tomlinson being gay and when he comes back from his break the hype will be over. The last thought he had before falling asleep was that he will call James Cordon in the next few days to see if his friend would like to help him out.

-

The sun was shining through the window in Louis’ house. He forgot to close the curtains last night, so now he was woken up by the bright morning sun shining in his eyes. Louis groaned and turned around, pulling the blanket over his head in the process. It was way to early for him to get up. Last night he was up until at least 2am and it can’t even be 8am yet. No way he was getting up right now. It’s the first day of his break Louis realized then. With that thought the memories of earlier came flashing back. He had made his decision. He was going to come out. Louis expected to be freaked out by that fact, but he was not. He was surprisingly calm. Even a little smile started creeping its way on his face. This was the right decision, he just knew it. With that he started opening his eyes and pulled the blanket off of his face. He stretched his arms over his head and yawned loudly. The thought of tea made him get up fast. Walking down the stairs he waas wondering if he should give James a call now before he backed out of his plan.

In the kitchen he made his tea the way he liked it and sat down at the kitchen table. He had his phone in his hand and was just staring at it. Maybe he needed to think about this a little more. Even though he is managing himself now he needs to think about his public image too. Louis shook his head. ‚No‘, he thought. That’s just what Simon would say. It was time for him to stop acting like he would have wanted him to. He is his own person now and he refuses to let Simon interfere with his plans once again, especially because he is not here to tell him what to do.

Twenty minutes of staring at his phone was enough for his tea to be cold now. But Louis didn’t care. He unlocked his phone and went straight to his contact. He scrolled down to James’ number and before he could overthink it he dialled it. After only two rings James picked up.

“Hey mate. Wanted to call you today to congratulate you on finishing your tour anyways. How are you feeling?” James asked curiously.

“I am doing great. Feels nice to have done my first world tour as a solo artist.” Louis replied.

“I bet. So you already at your family’s house? Winding down after those busy months?”

“Ehm no actually, I am at my house in London...”

“What why? Didn’t you say you were going to visit family” James asked confused.  
“That was my plan yeah. But listen. I-I need a favour. I know you would want to be the first to know since we have been friends for as long as I can remember. Thing is last night after a conversation with Isaac I came to the conclusion that I want to come out. For myself. That’s how I should have wanted to do it all along and I think now after tour has ended it would be a good time you know?” Louis was curious to know what James thought about this. He knew his friend has his back no matter what, but this was still a rather new turn of events.

“You better be calling to tell me that you want me to do this interview with you.” James joked, but Louis knew that he was being serious.

“Of course I want you to do the interview, but uhm... what do you think about it? I mean about me coming out.” Louis hesitated.

“I think that it’s about damn time that you do this. You deserve it, more than anyone, to finally be out.”

“Thanks James that means a lot to me.” Louis said relieved.

“How soon can you be here? I got an opening tomorrow night if you want to do it then?” James asked.

“Tomorrow? Oh wow. Yeah sure that works.”

“Great I’ll see you tomorrow then, be here a little early so we can figure out how to do this.”

“Sure, sounds good. Bye James.” After that Louis hung up the phone. He couldn’t believe it he just did it, he made the call. Tomorrow was the day. Still overwhelmed Louis called his sisters to let them know what was going on. They were all happy for him and told him to maybe call Niall and Liam too to let them know. Louis took his advice and called them, as expected they both were over the moon to hear the news.

Since Louis didn’t plan anything for his day yet, he decided to do some launrdy and pack a bag. He cleaned up his house, since he wouldn’t be here the next three days or so. After going to Los Angeles he was planning to just go to London to pack his bags, get a good night sleep and then drive up to Doncaster.

For dinner Louis just ordered some pizza. He was way to nervous and lost in his thoughts to even think about cooking. On normal days it was a risk to even let him near a kitchen, so he knew that his would end in a disaster. While eating he was watching TV trying not to think about tomorrow. It wasn’t easy but he managed. As he didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, he got tired fairly early at only 10pm. Without thinking about it too much he went to bed, setting an alarm to make it to his flight.

-

A ringing noise woke Louis up from his peaceful sleep. It was the morning so Louis thought it must be his alarm clock, but when he opened one eye to look at his phone he almost dropped it. This can’t be real. Not now. Not today. He has a plan, a place to be to finally do what he wants to do. With this phone call all of this would change. Ignoring it was his best bet so that’s what he did.

It was an hour before his alarm clock was supposed to go off. Louis got out of bed, being grumpier than he wanted to be. His day turned out to start not nearly as nice he wanted it to. Before he could even exit his bedroom his phone started ringing again. Louis threw his head back in annoyance. Apparently his plan would not work if they just kept calling. Despite wanting to do otherwise, he picked up the phone.

“What in the world could you possibly want from me?” Louis half shouted into the phone.

“Nice to hear fom you too Louis. Good morning, how have you been?” Simon sarcastically said. Louis just decided to not answer which would give him an answer anyways.

“I see, still not a morning person. Well, you are for sure wondering why I am calling. As you know your tour just ended, which means that it‘s time.” Simon simply stated.

“No, no fucking way.” Louis straight uo refused.

“You don’t have a choice. All of you signed the contract. the deal was you go on break for however long you want, each of you get at least on world tour, how many albums you wanna record in that time and then I would decide when you get back as One Direction. All your tours are over now, I was just waiting for yours to be done. Even gave you a day off.”

“I don’t give a shit. I have plans, things to do, places to be and all that so how about you fuck off?” Louis said, his voice starting to shake. He was filled with anger, but worse than that he was sad. His plans were ruined, there was no way in hell Simon would let him postponed the reunion. But he at least had to try.

“I couldn’t care less. You will be in my office tomorrow night at 3pm sharp. If you are not there will be legal consequences.”

“How about you go back to where you came from and tell Satan I want him to keep you there?” Louis spit.

“Very funny, tomorrow 3pm. Do not be late.” With that Simon hung up.

He couldn’t believe it. This was horible. From every scenario he had in his mind on how today would go, this was certainly not one of them. Worse then that, he knows he can’t do anything about it. He would have to cancel his interview with James and with that his coming out for another year. Louis was still holding his phone in his hand, when in anger he threw it against the wall so it smashed completely. Who cares, he thought. At least now no one could reach him to ask how he was doing. The first person to ask him that question will most likely end up dead or severly injured.

Even if it hurt Louis he knew he needed to reach out to James. He grabbed his computer from the table by the couch to send him an email. While writing the email all the anger that he built up over the years came back. After hitting sent he let out a scream. His hand were trembling from the anger but he couldn’t cry anymore. He was just so done.

The anger against Simon for forcing them into the closet was overwhelming. It was not just that. He knew Simon was wrong, with everything that he did to them. But after a while he started believing it, every single comment that Simon made towards him, Harry and their relationship. Every single homophic thing that he threw at them, Harry brushed off. At first it was easy for Louis to do the same but after a while it got harder.

There was or is nothing wrong with being gay, he knows that, but for a while he lost his way. Harry would always try to calm Louis down after a talk with Simon, but he could only do that much. The rest he used alcohol for. It wasn’t an everyday thing that he did back then, and he most certainly wasn’t proud of it. But as a teenager or young adult in a boyband that became popular in such a short time, he had enough to deal with. All the closeting, lies, and damage control did nothing good for him.

After One Direction went on break he never drank to numb the pain, well except once. The break up. He knew he wasn’t innocent. After all he started doubting their relationship, feeling almost guilty for being in love. He tried, he really did but in the end it wasn’t enough. At least not for harry who seemed to need more, which Louis couldn’t give him.

Louis took a shaky breath, willing himself to shale the memories off. He hated it to think about the break-up. To this day he doesn’t know how to deal with it so he put all the memories in a drawer in his mind. Whenever they try to come out he drowns them out with writing music. 200 songs for one album aren’t written without a reason. There are a ton of songs that no one will ever see. When he doesn’t write his thoughts and pain in songs he distracts himself with cleaning, cooking or even going for a run.

But he knew that none of that would work this time. He knows this feeling of emptyness, where he wishes he would feel the pain, the anger and sadness. There was nothing. Nothing at all. That’s when he tries to make himself feel something.

Louis get up and walks over to the kitchen. He needs to drown out these thoughts. They don’t deserve him falling back into that specific habit. Looking up at the cabinet where he stores his liquor, he thinks about what this means. It will still mean that he is letting SImon in his head again, letting Harry win with that too. Tonight he just didn’t care. Stretching to reach the top, Louis got on his tippy toes and reached all the way up to get to the bottles of Whiskey in there. Without bottering to get a glass for his alcohol, he went over to the couch and sat down. He took the remote from the table to open Youtube on his TV and put on some random playlist on full volume, maybe that will drown out the voices in his head.

He opened the liquor bottle and took a big sip, and another and another. The whiskey burned his lungs, a good kind of burn, almost painful even. Smiling to himself to be feeling something he continued drinking, getting more and more drunk with each sip he took. He kept going until he heard that song.

Looking up from his liquor bottle, his eyes searched for the title on the TV. Falling by Harry Styles. Of course. Because he had to be everywhere. ‚Poor Styles not knowing who he is‘, Louis thought.

What if I'm someone you won't talk about? You can bet your ass that I don’t want to talk about you.  
I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling  
For all he cares Harry can be falling of a cliff. Again and again and again.

Who does this guy think he is. Writing songs like he is the one hurting. He knoes some songs are about him, thankfully he doesn’t know all of them, he really tried to not listen to his albums. But now he won’t have a chance. They will probably sing solo songs on that stupid reunion tour and he will have to sit there and listen to his ex sing. Knowing Harry he will switch up his songs every other concert to at least sing every song once, released or not, on that tour. Thanks to Liam he knows that there are unreleased songs.

Without noticing Louis had drunk half of his bottle of whiskey. Deciding that that was enough to get him through the night he got up from the couch. He walked over to the kitchen, barely seeing where he was going, swaying from left to right more then a litte, he made it to the tab to get a glass of water. He took his glass upstairs, spilling half of it on the way. He managed to put is glass on the bedside table before falling face first on the bed, falling asleep instantly.

-

Puking his guts out in the morning is definitely no fun. He has been hanging over his toilet for more than an hour. After waking up with the sun shining in his eyes, he had to srpint to the bathroom to not puke all over his bed. Drinking was definitely not the best idea, seeing that he would have to face his bandmates today, well he was fine with all of them except one. With that he threw up once more.

He flushed the toilet one last time before getting up fom the floor. Desperately needing water, he slowly walked downstairs, trying to not make any sudden movements. When he came to his living room he saw that it was not the morning but more noon. The clock read 12.08 and he knew that that meant he needed to start getting ready.

He made himself some toast for breakfast, since nothing else sounded remotely delicious to eat with his headache. While he was drinking his tea, he swallowed some painkiller before his head exploded. Walking up the stairs to his bedroom he thought that today will not be fun. He already felt liking dying and seeing Simon and Harry won’t change that. When he got to his bedroom he went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth and take along realxing shower, there must be time for that.

By the time it was 1.30pm he got out of his shower and got dresses, which now begs the question of what to wear. Louis spent a good 30 minutes in front of his closet before deciding on black skinny jean, a black sweatshirt and his ususal vans, representing his mood.

At 2.15pm Louis got into his car head still pounding. He started driving to the office where they would meet, thoughts running wild again. With everything that happened the last two days a flood of memories has been coming down on him, most of them not pleasant enough to enjoy them. Louis didn’t know how to react when he would see Harry. Everyone knew that they haven’t talked since they broke up. Seeing as today would change that he needed to figure out how to react when he would see him. The last few months during his tour he didn’t have the time or the will to look up new pap pictures of Harry, so he didn’t know what to expect. Everytime he thought of a good reaction to seeing him, his mind went back to the last conversation they had before Harry left the house they owned together for good.

He really couldn’t remember all of it, more like pieces. His minds must have shut down or something to prevent more pain than he was already feeling. Harry’s words were not pretty, he called him weak, a coward. He even went as far as saying he was homophob. Which Louis knew was bullshit, and Harry probably didn’t mean it. But that one still hurt to this day. With Simon getting in his brain and his ex saything that he, Louis, a gay man, was homophob, made him feel insecure, not good enough, not worthy.

A honk pulled Louis abruptely out of his thoughts. His eyes focused on the road again. He thought there might be a traffic jam a green light and someone wanted to warn him, but no. It was a warning,yes, but for something else. Suddenly all he could see were the light of the truck that was coming right at him. Louis tried to break and he turned the wheel to the left to move his car from the wrong lane, but he couldn’t do anything anymore. It was like he wasn’t in his body. His eyes were open, but he couldn’t see. He couldn’t hear anything, he didn’t even hear the sound of the crash. His brain was empty too, there were no thoughts of Harry in there. His heart felt free, for the first time in a very long time.


	2. Chapter 2

Somewhere in the distance there were sirens. Maybe of an ambulance, maybe they were coming to get to Louis, to safe him. He didn’t know, he knew nothing. Around him people were chatting, they were scared, you could hear it in their shaking voices. People were talking, way too loudly making Louis head hurt. Why did his head hurt, he thought. Slowly Louis regained the feeling in his limbs, he tried moving, but a sharp pain shot through his whole body. He gasped and slumped back in the seat. He tried opening his eyes, trying to see what was going on. Was this all just a dream? His eyes opened for a second and all he saw was lights, they must be coming from the same cars as the sirens did, he thought. He closed his eyes again, it was too hard to keep them open. All he wanted to do was sleep. Everything hurt and all the noises weren’t helping.

The first responders came up to Louis’ car, asking him if he can hear them, if he can tell them his name. At that time Louis had already lost consciousness. 

The scene around him was devestating. The side of Louis car was completely smashed in. The door was bent inwards, trapping Louis inside. There was fume coming from the hood of the car, making the first responders work as fast as they can. Louis needed to get out of the car, but he couldn’t move, didn’t even know what was happening at this point. 

As soon as they managed to remove the door, one of the first responders cut through the seatbelt. Louis had an obvious wound on his head, probably from hitting it on the steering wheel. Somehow a piece of metal stabbed through his left side. 

“Get the saw back here!” the person yelled. One of his colleagues came back with it, asking what the situation is.

“Part of the metal from the carside penetrated his lower abdomen. We need to cut it off and keep it in, otherwise we might loose him.” He did as he said and made quick work of freeing Louis from the car. They placed him on a gourney, assessing his injuries and putting him in the ambulance. 

On the way to the hospital Louis fluttered his eyes opened, but only for mere seconds, then he closed them again.

“He is going into cardiac arrestt. Start CPR.” One of the EMT’s started CPR immediately, while the other got the defibrillator.

He put the pedals on Louis. 

“Clear.” Everyone moved out of the way as the defibrillator sent an electric shot through his body, restoring Louis regular heartbeat.

“We are not done here yet. This won’t be the last time this happens.” One of the man said.

“Optimistic today aren’t we, Ty?” one guy asked. 

“No, just not the first time seeing this.” Ty said with a sad look in his eyes. And right after, it happened again.

After two more successfull revivals they arrived at the hospital. Louis was rushed in through the emergency room, doctors waiting for his arrival. He was instantly sent to an OR, surgery need to be done fast. It was all about controlling the damage that has been done, saving essentials first and doing the fine prints later. Hours after hours Louis was in the OR, without anyone knowing what was going on. 

\- 

It was 2.55pm and Niall and Liam were waiting in the office for the other two boys to show up. Louis was usually late, neither of them were surprised that he wasn’t here yet seeing it wasn’t even three o’clock yet. Harry on the other hand liked to be at meetings early. It wasn’t like him to show up last minute.

“You think he will show up?” Niall asked worridly.

“Who exactly? Harry or Louis?” Liam replied. 

They were sitting at the table in the conference room. They both arrived at 2.45 and seeing they never lost contact, there was no need to catch up. Liam and Niall were worried about the situation. Harry and Louis haven’t been in the same room in years. Louis was a mess everytime someone mentioned Harry, doesn’t even have to be Harry Styles, just the first name seemed to trigger Louis somehow. 

With Harry none of the boys have really been in contact with besides some texts here and there. After Zayn left the band, Harry soon suggested a break. He couldn’t deal with what happened with Zayn, blaming himself for not seeing how much the boy was struggeling with the timeconsuming activities the brand brought. The others didn’t really want a hiatus, but there was nothing they could do since Harry had it all planned out. But plans apparently change.

“Both, I guess. Maybe they get here at the same time, are stuck in an elevator together so we don’t get caught in the middle of the drama.” he sighed.

“Niall, I don’t think it’s that easy. Harry bro-“ Liam was interrupted as the door opened and Harry walked in.

“Hey guys, it’s been a while.” Harry said with a shy smile, not really sure how the boys would react to seeing him. He was pleasently surprised when they jumped up with a scream of his name, running towards him. The boys were hugging for a few minutes before they sat down.

“It’s so good to see you mate.” Niall said, while Liam nodded in agreement next to him.

“I know, it’s been a while, can’t believe it’s already time for that reunion tour.” Harry said, looking aruond the room, looking for a certain someone. The conference room was one of the smaller once the management building has to offer. There was one big round table that could seat up to 12 people, in the corner there was a bar with a coffee machine and refreshments. In general the room looked boring, kind of depressing in Harrys opinion. 

“He isn’t here yet.” Liam answered the unspoken question.

“No surprise there, he is fashionably late as always.” Harry had a sad look on his face. “But not usually this late its already 315pm. He is lucky that even Simon is late.”

“That is weird. He is never late, he skins us alive when we are but for something that in his words will be ‘the biggest reunion tour this world has ever seen’, he doesn’t really seem to care that much.” At that the door suddenly opened. SImon came into the room, wearing a worried face.

“Hello everyone, good to see you” Simon shortly nodded at them. He sat down across from the boys, keeping his gaze on the floor.

“Well not everyone yet.” Liam said. Simon hasn’t even looked at them yet.

“Yes about that, ehm, I have some news that you won’t like.” Simon sighed. He looked up at them, his eyes going from Harry to Niall to Liam.   
“He is not doing the tour, is he?” Harry asked worriedly. If Louis refused to go on tour he will face legal consequences, probably lose all his money in the process, just to not see him.

Simon chuckled,”No that’s not it.” He got serious again, knowing he had to tell them the situation. “It appears that Mr. Tomlinson got in a car accident on his way here. We do not know a status on his health at this moment, the doctors are still operating, but his family called knowing that he would have had this meeting with us.”

At that all three mouths went slack. None of them could comprehend what to say or what to do. They couldn’t react in any way, too scared of this being reality. Harry was the first to get up, walking towards the door. The others got up right after him, wanting to follow.

“Boys, sit back down. You are not going to the hospital.” Simon piped up. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, wearing a stern look.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Liam shouted. “This is Louis we are talking about, we are not going to stay here and do nothing when he is in a hospital.” 

“And since when did you become a doctor Liam? There is nothing you can do. He is in there with doctors that are helping him, doing their job. While you will be sitting here in this meeting, which may I remind you is your job.” he pointed his finger at the boys. 

“This has to be a joke. Its called moral support you idiot, he is like family for all of us. We aren’t teenagers anymore, stop treating us like that.” Niall snapped. 

Harry was jut standing there, not knowing what to say. He knew he needed to get to the hospital, even though he knew Louis wouldn’t want him anywhere near. Something in him just told him to move his feet and walk, but he was frozen.

“Guys, I am not a monster, I get it. But the show must go on, you are more useful here in this office working out details of this reunion than in a hospital waiting around.”

The boys knew that Simon had a point with this. No matter what was going on with Louis, he wouldn’t be back anytime soon. A car accident that results in an operation that takes multiple hours could only mean it was serious.

“He is right.” Harry admitted against his will. “Let’s just get this shit over with so we can leave okay?” he pleaded to the other two, who agreed with him seeing the desperation in Harry’s eyes.

They went over everything that was important. The tour length, the places it would take place even with suggestions from the boys so they could go to countries and cities they enjoyed in the past. It was discussed what songs they would sing, how many of their own and how many old songs from the band. They agreed on being flexible with that and changing it up. The only songs that would not change were the once from Made in the AM.

After over 2 hours of painfully sitting through that meeting, the boys rushed out of the room and to the hospital. When they arrived, they ran up to the infornation desk to ask about Louis. A nurse told them that he was still in the OR, but they could wait with his family. She showed them the way and left them alone as soon as the Tomlinsons came into view.

Phoebe and Daisy saw the guys first and ran up to them. They were a crying mess and just hugged all of the boys, even Harry. 

“You came.” Phoebe said looking up at Harry as she hugged him.

“Course I did Pheebs.” Harry held her face in his hands, just looking at her, taking in how much she has changed since the last time they saw each other. Phoebe came up next to her sister. She looked at Harry and just wordlessly hugged him and cried into his shoulder. All the lad could do was hold her close.

While the twins and Harry were standing there, hugging each other searching for comfort, Niall and Harry went over to Dan to find out if he had any news.

“No, nothing, the nurses are coming in and out of that hallway, but nobody knows anything.” Dan shook his head.

“Its been hours and all we can do is wait.” Lottie said. She was sitting on one of the chairs in the waiting room, the other set of twins next to her. 

“How are you lot holding up?” Niall dared to ask, scared for the answer.

“I don’t even know, I am scared shitless. I think we all are and it sucks that we can’t do anything.” she answered truthfully. She looked over to her left to see that the older twins and Harry were coming over. As she got up from her seat to go over to him she didn’t know if she wanted to hug or punch him.

As much as she hated him for hurting Louis, she knew that Harry deeply cared about her brother, may it be love for the older lad or just a feeling of duty. When Harry left Louis, he also left his siblings. The pair would always spent as much time with their families as possible, so much that Harry would call Lou’s siblings his own. Their breakup hurt more people than she could even count, but she knew that this wasn’t the time for those thought. Right now, all that counted was that they were all here for the same reason, needing each other.

“Hey H.” Lottie murmured as she slowly moved to hug him. Harry pulled Lottie in close, when he saw what her intentions were, whispering in her ear that everything was going to be okay.

“Is there a family here for Louis Tomlinson?” a voice asked beside them. They broke their hug to turn to the voice.

“Yes that’s us. I am his father.” Dan got up to shake the doctors hand. 

“Well your son was involved in a pretty bad accident. It seems that he was driving on the wrong side of the road and an oncoming truck hit his car as he tried to get off the lane in the last minute.   
We had to operate on Louis for multiple reasons. He had a severe wound in his lower abdomen from a piece of metal that got loose during the accident. He hit his head on the steering wheel during the impact which resulted in a head trauma, causing a brain bleed. Furthermore he broke several bones that we had to fix up.” the doctor explained.

“Is he awake now?” Phoebe asked hopefully.

“No, he is not. We had to medically induce a coma for him to heal but his body would have fallen in a natural seduced coma anyway. After we saw the head injury, we needed to operate immediately. There is still no guarantee that he will wake up. The damage to his brain has been critical. In the next 48 hours we have to monitor him closely. In case his brain swells up we need to operate instantly to release the pressure to prevent any further damage. We won’t know how much damage his brain has suffered until he wakes up, which again is not a certainty.”

“Oh my god.” Niall whispered in shock. “Can we see him?”

“Yes you can, only two people at the time. After the medically induced coma period is over we only allow blood related family, it is a hospital policy.” He was met with confused looks so he continued to explain,”If patients wake up, they are very confused. Family members are easier to recognize, which makes things easier on the patient and non-related visitors. It can be frustrating for both parties to experience that.” the doctor stated.

“Thank you. For everything you have done for my son.” Dan said through tears. The docotr walked away after telling them the room number. 

When the family got to room 928 they went inside in pairs. Dan went with each sibling to be there for them since the scene they would be facing was not an easy one. After that Niall and Liam went in. When they came out they both offered to accompany Harry when he goes in. Harry just shook his head, not wanting to be with anyone.

Harry walked in the room slowly, keeping his gaze on the floor. He slowly let his eyes wander up to the bed. He saw the casts that covered almost all of Louis’ body. In addition to that his arms were full with needles that attached to a tube leading to some liquids. Next to his bed were all kinds of monitors. When Harry let his gaze wander to Lou’s face, his breath hitched. You could barely see that it was him. There were blue bruises that covered his face, which was also swollen at many spots. His head was wrapped in gauze. The older lad broke down at the picutre before him.

“Fuck Lou, please wake up. This can’t be the last time I see you or worse the last time your family sees you like this. Don’t do that to them. I know you don’t want me to be here, and you would do anything to do the exact opposite of what I am saying. Just not now. Please. Do it for your family, for the boys. I know I don’t deserve it, but they need you.” he sobbed.

After that he got up, walked straight out of the room. When the others were outside waiting for him, they wanted to ask how Harry was doing, but one look at his face gave them their answer. The boys left after that, knowing that the family needed some time with each other. 

“You wanna come over to my house? Its only 10 minutes from here. You could go home, pack a bag and stay at mine. I have enough room and if something happens we will be here faster.” Liam suggested. The others agreed and got into their respective cars, heading home.

Two hours later Niall and Harry showed up at Liams doors. Neither of them said anything, there was really nothing to say. The situation was overwhelming and they knew that with everything the doctors told them, Louis wouldn’t be in any shape to go to a reunion tour, or rehearsal or meeting any time soon. But they didn’t talk about it. Liam had ordered pizza for them. They ate in front of the TV and without a word one by one got up to go to bed.

That night neither of them slept. The thoughts of all the possible outcomes of this running through their mind. At breakfast Niall decided to break the silence.

“What is going to happen to tour?” Niall asked carefully.

“How would we know? Not like we have any say anyway.” Harry commented.

“Well we should have a say. We aren’t kids anymore that don’t know anything about the industry. I say we do something.” Niall argued.

“Niall what the hell are you talking about?” Liam asked confused. 

“I thought about this last night. I couldn’t sleep cause these thoughts were keeping me awake. Simon will want the tour to happen as soon as possible. As soon as Lou wakes up he will want him at rehearsals, he won’t care about his health or doctor orders. We are a money machine nothing else. So I say we do something to prevent that.” Niall stated.

“What were you thinking Ni?” Harry asked intriguied by his friends thoughts. 

“I think we need to get contracts that serve our best interest. Louis can’t speak for himself so we have to do it for him. We need to push back tour. Those contracts from yesterday, did you read them?” Niall looked at the boys, who shook their heads. “They state that tour will start in two months. Which would mean starting rehearsal, well, today according to this thing. Seeing that fact that we did not get called in yet, is worrying me. Simon probably got the call now how bad the situation is. Which means we will get a conract that states that we will start tour as soon as Louis can get out of the hospital. He would have to start rehearsing while he is still in there. Its not human, but that’s Simon and you know it.”

“I hate to say this but we do need to do something. We don’t even know if Louis will remember anything of the accident. I did some reading and after I searched up the recovery of the trauma Louis has suffered... Let’s just say there is no way that he will be able to go on stage in the next few months. And I don’t know about you but I am not doing this without him.” Liam said.

“So what do we do?” Harry asked. 

“We sit down and figure out a plan that protect Louis. A plan that will make Simon postpone the tour, I don’t care what we have to do or how long it takes, but I am not letting us go through the same shit again.” Niall answered. 

The next few days their days consisted of visiting Louis, going back to Liam’s house figuring out a plan, eating and drinking. Each they Harry lost a little bit more of his faith. It was five days after the accident when it happened.

The boys just arrived at the hospital and went to Louis’ room. On the way there doctors and nurses rushed to a room as soon as an unsettling alarm started going off. When they got to room 928 they were met with a shaking Lottie and the older twins next to her sobbing. 

“What happened, what’s going on?” Harry breathed as he saw them. This can not be happening. Louis needed to wake up. He couldn’t have died in the time span of a few hours, minutes before his bandmates went to see him.

“We were in there just keeping him company when the machines started going off and Louis started to shake. We called a nurse to help him and she just sounded and alarm and all the doctors and nurses came in, kicking us out, I don’t know what’s happening.” Lottie said with a shaky voice.

All they could do was stand outside the room and wait for news. After what felt like hours, but was only a few minutes the doctor came out and explained that Louis’ brain swelled up as expected. Thanks to his sisters being there they were able to react quickly and were going to operate to release the pressure on his brain that the swelling was causing, which was also the reason for the seizure that the girls witnessed.

After that incident the boys visited Louis more often, they started making their plans in the hospital. The doctor even allowed all three of them in the room, seeing that his family had to get back to school and work. So the band was there during the day, while the Tomlinson family visited after school and work were over.

It was two weeks of torture for them since the accident. No one knew if Louis was getting better, all they could be was thankful that he didn’t get worse. When the boys requested a meeting with Simon to go over the contract, the ladder was just confused.

“What do you mean go over the contract?” Simon asked. “There is no need for a meeting, its a done deal.”

“We have some change requests for that contract that we want to discuss with you.” Liam negotiated.

“Fine whatever, come in tomorrow at noon and we will discuss said changes.” Simon spat.

To their relief all of their changes were accepted. Niall knew all along that they would get what they want, since they threatened to quit no matter the legal consequences. 

Harry and Niall moved back in their own house after the meeting. They all needed time to themselves and started to visit Louis seperately. Harry stopped visting completely. He couldn’t keep doing this. He knew he was getting used to seeing Louis. His face was healing slowly. Even though Louis could obviously not talk back, the guys always talked to him. When they were in there together, Harry could just tune out the noises and get lost in his own head. But he couldn’t do that by himself. Not if he was in a room alone with Louis. He knew that if he wakes up he can’t see him anymore, Louis won’t want to see him. So he thought it was better to get used to it now. 

So he spent his time writing songs, not for anyone to ever hear, just for himself. It was the only thing that he didn’t mess up. His contact with the lads got less and less, but they still checked in on him every other day, worried for their friend.

After a few days, Niall told him that the doctors stopped the induced coma, and it was a matter of time now. Harry was relieved since now he wouldn’t be allowed to visit Louis anyway.

After a month and a half after the accident happened Harry got a call from Lottie. He was sitting in his music room, playing a new melody on his guitar when he heard his phone ring. The boys called the day before, so did his mom. So this phone call could mean amazing or horrible news.

He got his phone out of his back pocket and looked at it. Lottie was calling. He slowly swiped to answer the call.

“Hello?” he asked, scared for what was to come. He could hear her crying on the other end of the phone.

“Harry. I know you aren’t allowed in the hospital but he... he woke up. He is awake H.” 

At that Harry let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Lou was awake, he was going to be okay. 

“Lottie I can’t even tell you how happy that makes me.” Harry said.

“I know how you feel, believe me. I gotta go now but the boys know too so maybe call them okay?” Without waiting for an answer, she hung up the phone.

Harry didn’t even have a chance to call his friends, as they barged into his house screaming his name. With a smile on his face he walked down the stairs to where he could hear their voices coming from.

The boys didn’t say a word, they just hugged each other with happy tears running down their faces. There were no words needed, they knew how they all felt about the news. Right now all they needed was each other, cause Louis was still with them, he was going to be his old self.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry it took so long to update. I had vacation days left to take from work and I decided to get a little time off from my phone and computer too. 
> 
> But here is the new chapter, hope you like it :)

Darkness is all there was. No light anywhere, no wall that surrounded him. A ceiling didn’t exist, neither did a floor. He was just floating, not even gravity existed. There was nothing. Except for himself. Louis. He was alone. Even time left him, all by himself. Feeling like he was floating around, but too detached from his own body to be able to control anything.

He couldn’t move his arms, or legs. He tried concentrating on just moving his eyes. Nothing happened. His eyes were closed and not even his pupils were moving underneath. It’t like time around him was frozen. Louis couldn’t move, he couldn’t talk, not even breathe. His body seemed to be shutting down, maybe it already did. All he could do was exist. All he could do was wait for he didn’t even know what, maybe he was waiting for nothing. Because that’s all there was around him. Nothing.

It might have been his imagination, his mind playing tricks on him. A light, coming somewhere far away on his right side. Not like the light at the end of the tunnel that people talk about in movies. This was different. He didn’t feel drawn to the light, had no desire to move his body near the source. Not that he could, even if he wanted to. Again, a ray of light, this time on his left side. This was definitely not like the light of at the end of the tunnel, this wasn’t the end. Something inside him told him that this was a good thing, a new beginning. The light was gone again. It was dark.

He didn’t know how much time passed. Everything was dark, when he saw it again. A light on his right side. He looked to the left. There it was for mere seconds, before it went dark. Unknowingly he looked to his right, searching for whatever this is. It left him, but not for long. 

The next time the light wasn’t alone. What was this... noise? Was he going crazy? He must be, there was no other explanation. The darkness was so quiet, there was no way he would have missed this noise. It sounded far away, too far. Why wouldn’t it come closer? Suddenly, it was gone. He was alone. Again.

It felt like an eternity until he heard it again. But this time without the light. The light hasn’t come back. Was this a good thing? 

Beep.  
Beep

Where was it coming from? He waited, nothing else he could do anyway. Maybe it would come closer and he could tell what made this noise, but no luck. Instead of getting louder, it dissapeared completely and like the light never came back.

He felt like his mind was shut off and with everything new happening, it was coming back to life. Wanting his body to follow, but no matter what he tried to do, he failed. Over and over again. All he did was try. The thought of giving up never even crossed his mind, eventhough he didn’t know what he was fighting for, he kept going. 

The only thing he could do was let his eyes wander as he looked through the darkness. He felt like there was something right in front of him. Something he should be able to see. But he just couldnmr. His hands won’t move to reach out into the unknown, to maybe feel what he was missing. 

A light. But it wasn’t alone. It came back with something. But what was it? The object was familiar, it was on the tip of his tounge. There seemed to be a barrierer somewhere in his brain, not allowing him to say the word, he can’t even think of it. Apparently it took him too long to identify the object so it vanished. Alone. Once again.

He closed his eyes, he didn’t want to see the darkness again. At this point it seemed to mock him,. Who can’t remember the simplest things in life? Him, obviously. 

Beep

Beep

Beep

He snapped his eyes open, looking frantically for the noise. Was it mocking him now too? He let his eyes wander, the light. It’s back. With the noise. And the object.

Multiple once at that. Chairs. He knew that. Of course those were chairs, what else would they be? Before he could worry about the people in the chairs, it went dark again.

Flashes. Flashes of light and things. He looked around. What was all of this? What was the meaning behind it? He could see different objects, coming to him in flashes. The chairs were back. But they were accompanied by something, someone. 

But who? 

He knew this person, just from where? Why did the light bring this person to him. He couldn’t see them clearly. His vision was blurry. There was too much going on, his senses are overwhelmed. He closed his eyes, going back into the darkness.

Noises. But no beeping. What could it be now. He opened his eyes slowly and they went wide. The light was here, and it looked like it was here to stay. And it brought its friends. The objects were all here, building a room what looked like... he doesn’t really know. His vision was still blurry, but knowing that the light would be there when he’d open his eyes the next time, he went back to the darkness. Not that alone this time.

It didn’t leave him, not the light and not the room. A hospital, that’s what it looked like. Now he remembers, it was so clear. His vision. It’s back. He was looking around the room. Why was he here? This didn’t make any sense. At least he wasn’t alone. People he knew were here. Sitting in the chairs. But how did he know them? He would find out. He closed his eyes

Something felt off, he felt different. He opened his eyes. Lottie. Her name is Lottie. He looked to the chairs, there she was, with his other sisters. They were all there. For whom? For him? He wanted to say something but his mouth wouldn’t make a sound no matter how hard he tried. 

He looked around to find something, just something to help him talk. But all he saw was water. It was coming in from under the door. It filled the room. He wanted to warn them, needed to warn them. They needed to get out this room, even if it meant leaving him behind. Why can’t they see the water, he asked himself. He didn’t know what to do. By now the water was reaching his bed, lifting him up. He didn’t feel like he was floating anymore. He could feel the water around him. He even tried moving his hand around in the water, but it didn’t work. He panicked. He was going to drown if he didn’t do something. His breathing escalated. 

He tore is gaze away from his hand and looked up. The ceiling. He was going under the water, noises he heard before were dull. Going further away, leaving him. Where are his sisters? He looked around frantcally. He can’t see them anywhere. His lungs were hurting, they were filling with the water. What was happening? 

Suddenly it was all gone. The water wasn’t there anymore. His sisters were there. The pressure in his lungs was gone. 

That was when he started breathing again. When they removed the tube from his lungs. When he officially woke up from his coma.

The light was shining in his eyes. it was a flashlight that a doctor was holding. He was looking for a reaction in Louis’ pupils.

“Sir, can you hear me?” the doctor questioned Louis. Yes, he could hear him. That’s what he wanted to say, but nothing would come out of his mouth. 

“Sir, can you hear me? If you can, can you blink twice for me?” That he could do. Louis blinked slowly, twice. 

„Are you in pain? Blink twice for yes again.“ Louis blinked at least five times to signal that his head felt like it was going to explode. 

“Give him something for the pain in his head.” Louis heard the doctor say. He then continued to write something in his chart. Louis looked around the room, trying to figre out what was going on. Something must have happened to him, but he didn’t have any idea what that could have been. The doctor was about to say something when the door to his room opened.

“I- Is he awake?” a girls voice asked shyly, almost scared of what the answer would be. Louis looked to the door to see who was talking. It was his sister Phoebe. She came in with Daisy and Lottie, all of them having the same worried look on their faces. What scared them this much, Louis asked himself.

“He is indeed.” the doctor said with a smile on his face ,” but he just woke up girls. He still needs a lot of rest. Why don’t we go outside to talk, so the nurses can get Louis situated?” They just nodded and headed back out of the room. He wanted to tell them that they didn’t have to leave, whatever they had to say, could be said in here. It was about him anyways, so why the secrecy, he thought.

Outside of the room the doctor sat down with Louis’ sisters, trying to explain the situation to them. 

“Listen, I don’t want to sugar coat this, as much as I wish I could. Yes, your brother is awake. But there is still a long journey ahead of him.”

“What do you mean? Don’t coma patients just wake up, ask where they are and what happened and that’s it?” Daisy asked confused, the others seemed to share her opinion as they nodded their heads in agreement.

“Well, yes, that can happen. What you have to understand is that there are different types of comas. A coma can be caused by severe alcohol poisoning or a brain infection. People with diabetes could fall into a coma if their blood glucose levels suddenly became very low or very high. In your brother’s case it resulted from an injury to the brain. For any kind of brain injuries we use something that is called the Glasgow Coma Scale, or GCS in short. 

“Meaning what?“ Lottie interrupted, getting impatient. 

“Basically, it is used to help gauge the severity of an acute brain injury. It is a scoring system used to describe the level of consciousness in a person following a traumatic brain injury. To calculate the patient's GCS , we need to add together the scores from eye opening, verbal response and motor response. The higher your score, the better chances for a patient to recover from the injury. 

“Louis‘ GCS was very low. Usually patients with a GCS do not even wake up. So for him to be awake and responsive is a miracle. I believe he can see and hear us, but not talk. It is not surprising for coma patients to take a while to talk. His throat will be sore from the tube and he hasn’t said a word in weeks. But in his case we believe it is something called Locked-in syndrome. He is aware but cannot move or communicate verbally due to complete paralysis of nearly all voluntary muscles in the body except for vertical eye movements and blinking.“ 

“Is this a permanent thing? Is there a recovery from that?“ Lotties asked. 

“At this point, we don’t know. Only time will tell, if this is really Locked-In syndrom or if it might be a result of his coma. We have seen it happen before, but there are only a few cases in the world, that turned out to recover from this and fully get the ability of speech and movement back.”

“God, this can’t be happening.” Lottie said under tears. “This is not fair, he doesn’t deserve this.”

“I know, no one does. But what he needs now is you. His family. During this time he can not see any of his friends, only blood related family. For now we don’t even know if he knows his own name, and we do not ask him until we know what is going on exactly. We are going to do some tests do further determine his status of health right now.”

“How long will this take? Can we see him before you take him somewhere?” Phoebe begged, tears running down her face,

“Yes of course you can. Just be gentle with him. Since he just woke up, he will be sensitive to sound and light. He might recognize you in his head, but when you go inside introduce yourself. Just say “Hi it’s me Lottie” and talk slowly. Just reassure him for now and show him you are going to be here for him through everything.”

“Okay, yeah, we can do that.” Lottie agreed. She started gettting up and walking back into the room, the twins close behind her. When they got into the room they did excatly as the doctor said. 

Louis was glad that his sisters weren’t talking too loudly, the beeping of the machines was enough to make his head hurt. All Louis could do was lay there and listen to his sisters talking about how everything was going to be fine and telling him that they love him. He felt tears running down his face. Everything was so confusing, he wanted to know what was going on, why they were so worried about him. Instead he layed there and cried, thankful for his family, knowing that whatever it was, his family must have been scared shitless.

During the next few days they waited. That’s all they did. The test results showed that his mind was definitely conscious and the swelling in his brain went down. There was nothing that indicated Locked-In Syndrom from his scans. But the doctor said that sometimes, that can happen too, and still the patient have LIS. 

When Lottie had to call the guys to break the news to them, she knew that it would hurt them as much as her. She called Liam and Niall first, knowing that by the time she called Harry they could already be at his house before she finished that phone call with him. It only rang twice before Harry picked up the phone.

“Hey Lot, are there any news?“ Harry asked, hoping to hear a positive answer. He was sitting on his couch, just watching TV when she called. His heart immediately skipped a beat, scared for why she would be calling.

“Ehm, hey Harry. Yeah, well... I-“ Harry interrupted her.

“What is going on? What happened?” He panicked. When Lottie didn’t answer right away, Harry jumped up from the couch. He put on a jacket and grabbed his car keys. He was about to put on shoes when Lottie finally spoke.

“I already told Liam and Niall. Louis is still awake, but there seems to be an issue right now. Before you freak out, it is not a life or death situation. He might have something called LIS.” On Harry’s request, Lottie explained everyhing in every last detail. 

“... He can live with it, but it will be an extrem adjustment if it’s permanent.” Lottie concluded. 

“Yeah, extrem is not a strong enough word for that... This is unfair and it shouldn’t be fucking happening.” Harry spit.

“I know Harry, I said the same thing. But there is nothing we can do. It is a waiting game. It’s only day 1, give it time. Give him time. You know how strong he is.” Lottie pleaded.

“I gotta go Lottie, I need time to process this.” With that he hung up. He was furious. After everything Louis had gone through in his life, this was the cherry on top. It was a cosmical joke, It had to be. Shit like this always happened to the best people. Harry knows that with Louis’ lifestyle a change like that can destroy everything. His quality of life would be minimal, he would just exist. 

Harry was pacing in his house, trying to wrap his head around this, when the door bell rang. He groaned, already knowing who this must be. And he was right. When he opened the door the lads were standing there, looking like he was feeling. They didn’t say anything, not yet anyways. They just hugged him, like the last time knowing exactly how he was feeling right now. Angry at the world, angry at the universe.

The guys spent more time after that, worried about Harry. He didn’t seem to be eating or sleeping at all ever since Lottie’s call. Niall and Liam were too worried to even leave him alone at home so they took turns sleeping at his house. This had been going on for 5 days now. Until he heard the news. 

Louis’ family had been visiting him daily in the hospital all these days, just staying with him. Sometimes they didn’t even say anything, sometimes they talked to him. Telling him small little stories about their lives. 

On day 5, before visiting hours were over Phoebe was in the room with him, wanting to talk to her brother alone for a second. She sat next to him on a chair, looking to the ground.

“I know visiting hours are almost over and dad is here to take me home too. I just wanted a few minutes with you alone. Everyone is coming in here telling you stories about the daily life, dancing around the topic. If I am not completely wrong you are going stir crazy not knowing what is going on.” She looked up to see what his reacion would be and she was right. She could see the tears in his eyes, the confusion. 

“I know all they told you was that you don’t have to worry about not being able to talk. I wish I could be the one to tell you everything that happened, but you know ‘doctors orders’. I just want you to know that whatever they have to say is not as important as what I am telling you now. No matter what they say, no matter what is going on with you medically, I will always be here and so will everyone else. I know you know that but I needed to say it. I-“ Phoebe started to cry, the last few weeks have been so emotional and she just needed to get it out so she continued thorugh her tears. “I love you, you are my big brother and nothing will ever change that.” She took his hand in her own, just letting the tears fall. She was crying so heard, face burried in her arms, that she barely noticed it, but she did. 

Her head snapped looking at Louis wide eyed. He was squeezing her hand. 

“Did you just..?” She stared at him unbelievably. For good measures Louis did it again. But not just that. Phoebe could tell that he was trying to say something. She wanted to stop him, tell him that it was okay. But before she could do that she understood what he was saying. 

“I love you too” It was barely a whisper.

At that Phoebe cried even more. It was when the nurse came in and told her that she had to leave that she realized that she had to tell the doctor about this before so she did. 

The next they Phoebe came back with her family, all equally excited to see Louis. When they got into the room, Louis was looking at them, a smile on his face. He knew that this meant he was at least a little better than the doctors thought he would be. The doctor entered before anyone could say anything.

“Hello Tomlinson family, I see a lot of happy faces here, that’s good.” he turned to Louis to address him directly.

“Hello, I am Dr. Reid. I am going to ask you a few questions, is that okay?”

“Yes.” Louis said.

“Can you tell me your full name and age?”

“Louis William Tomlinson, I am 29.” Louis said after thinking about it for a little while.

“Great. Do you know what month and year it is?” Louis eyes wandered through the room. He tried to think about it but he couldn’t really concentrate on anything. But he still was able to answer.

“It’s April 2021.” he mumbled, missing the confused faces of this family. 

“What is the last thing that you remember?” Louis thought about it. He really tried but he couldn’t think of anything. He felt tired, exhausted even. His brain was too foggy to think about anything. He said the first thing that came to mind. 

“I am in the middle of my tour.”

Everyone in the room looked at him in shock, the doctor turned to the family looking at them with a look that told them to play it cool. He turned to look back to Louis.

“Louis you have been in an car accident, which resulted in severe injuries. You had a severe wound in your lower abdomen. You broke several bones and you had a severe head injury. We were able to operate and fix you up, but afterwards you fell in a coma.”Louis barely heard what the doctor said. All he heard was ‘fell in a coma’ so he asked, “How long have I been in a coma for?”

“For 6 weeks. Today is the 27th of October 2021,” the doctor explained. “You seem to have lost the memory of the last few months, which is to be expected from the head injury you suffered. At this time we can not determine if it will be permanent memory loss or not. 

“What we do know is that you can start physio therapy soon. Since you haven’t been up and walking for 6 weeks, you will need time to be able to walk again, but don’t worry it will happen. Just be patient and do the work.We will also be doing occupitanial therapy with you so you will be able to play a guitar again.” This was the last thing Louis heard before he fell asleep during the conversation. His family was paranoid and scared that something was wrong. The doctor explained that it was exhausting to wake up from a coma, and that Louis was not fully there yet. Moving his body and talking, takes more energy than just laying there so he needs the rest. The family went home for that day, giving Louis the rest he needed.

He was running. 

Just running. 

Not knowing where but he wanted to get away, so he ran for it. While he was running he looked over his shoulder. They were follwing him. Louis ran faster than he ever had before, but it was no use. The caught up to him. Before he knew what was happening they tackeled him to the ground.

“NOO! NOO! Please don’t take me back. I have money, you can have all of it, just let me go!” Louis screamed. But there was no getting away. They put a hand on his shoulder and...

“Louis, wake up.”

Louis opened his eyes. He looked at the hand on his shoulder and started to scream.

“Let go off me, let me go.” He pushed the hand off of him and got up. As fast as he could he sprinted out of the door. Trying to get away. In the hallway he collided with the doctor.

“Louis what is going on?” he asked confused.

“He is here, he shouldn’t be here. You need to call the police.”

“Louis, who is here?” the doctor asked confused. Yesterday Louis remembered all of his family members to not bring any unrelateed people in the room. 

“The guy who kidnapped me, he is here you need to help me. I am not safe here. I thought I was safe.” Louis sobbed. He had started to cry out of sheer panic.

“Ok Louis why don’t you stay here with this nurse while I take care of this?” the doctor asked.

“Yeah, yeah I will. Just get him away from.”

With that the doctor went into the room, Dan sitting on the bed completely shocked. Dan told the doctor that he came in here after getting coffee and Louis fell asleep again so he wanted to wake him to say goodbye and let him rest. When he did so, the boy freaked out. The doctor explained to Dan what Louis had said.

“What? That doesn’t even make sense? He was never kidnapped?” Dan asked confused.

“I know. But this is more common than you think it is. It is called Post Traumatic Amnesia. It can happen from the moment of injury and stay until the return of continuous memory, which is when he will start to remember why he is in the hospital. One of the symptoms is disorientation and confusion, which is what you just saw. Louis doesn‘t seem to know where he is. While he sleeps his brain tries to deal with the physical and emotional damage that was caused during the accident and so he has very vivid dreams. It is hard for him to differenciate between reality and dream, for him it is all the same. In a situation like this, play along. Don‘t tell him he is safe and it‘s going to be ok. Just play along with whatever he is saying.“ 

"So this might happen again?“

„Yes. Most likely, when the rest of the family gets here I will tell you all about how to deal with this the best way. Now we should get you out of this room so Louis can rest again.“ They walked out of the room. The doctor was holding one of Dan‘s arms to make things more believable. When they passed Louis the doctor nodded at him, the silent request to go back in his room. 

Later that day the doctor explained to them that they would need to be prepared for another scenario like today. They would need to play along, not correct him on things he says. A part of PTA is not being able to remember what happened the last few days and patients should not be corrected. Whenever they enter the room they should say their name and slowly approach him to see his reaction first. They also needed to expect behavioral change may it be more childish or more aggressive. 

From then on, it was not easy to be around Louis. It happened two more times where Louis didn’t know where he was and made up a story in a dream that he acted up on.

4 days after the first incident, he woke up in the middle of the night and got out of bed. He walked out of his room, down the hallway and straight out of the hospital. And then he just stood there. When a nurse came to ask him what he was doing he ordered himself a cocktail and sat down on the street. The nurse grabbed him by his arm, thinking he was sleep walking. That’s when Louis lashed out. He started screaming that somebody was trying to take him. The security of the hospital came rushing out after they saw the scene unfold. They managed to grab Louis and bring him back inside safely. After they put Louis back in bed and gave him sleeping medication, he was able to sleep without any dreams.

Another three days after that it happened again. This time he had a dream about being in school. He was sitting in the class room when the last bell rang. Usually he took the bus home but that day he decided to walk. He packed his stuff and left the school building. The walk home was not a long one but it did lead you through sketchy areas. He turned the corner when somebody grabbed him from the side and put a cloth over his mouth. Louis woke up screaming for help. The nurses came in the room and saw that he had trouble breathing. They put a oxygen mask over his mouth until he calmed down and fell asleep again.

That was the last time Louis had one of those dreams. Everday other day since he woke up he asked about what was going on and why he wasn’t on tour. After that last incident he only had to ask one more time, that’s when he started to make new memories. He was able to remember small things his siblings or Dan told him.

During this time he also went to physical therapy whenever the nurse told him it was time for it. He wouldn’t have been able to recall the appointments without any help, but soon enough he knew when to go there and he even remembered some of the exercises.

He got better with each day, after two weeks he was able to walk small distances by himself. It wasn’t just the coma he had to recover from but also the injuries. His arms weren’t really strong, but he was getting there. 

He started to rememeber the time that he forgot about very slowly. At first he thought it was dreams because of his anxiousness. Even after everyone told him multiple times that he finished tour, he never remembered it. Only after being able to make new memories and keep them, his anxiety calmed down. He then realized that the concerts he dreamt about were actually the once from his tour. In particular he loved his last concert. He could still feel the energy from that night, but unfortunately he only remember it until the last song he sang. Everything after that was still a blurr.


End file.
